January 29, 2006

 

The moment I held my son for the first time was the happiest moment in my life followed by the worst when we signed the adoption papers. The decision to place our son up for adoption was made out of love. We did not take the easy way out by doing this.
Daniel  was born Sunday, January 29, 2006. He weighed 6lbs and 13.5 oz. At 1:28 p.m. I heard our son cry his first cry, and I saw him take his first breath. In that moment, all I could think about was how beautiful he looked. I cried because of joy, and because I knew he would soon leave us. I looked over to my left and saw tears falling from Andrew’s eyes. This made me cry more, because I knew he was feeling the same pain I was, and I could not stand to see him so devastated.
The nurse gently placed Daniel in my arms after Andrew cut the thick, blue, rope-like umbilical cord with the large, sterile hospital scissors. I was afraid to hold him, because he looked as fragile as a glass doll. The warmth I felt from his body closely nuzzled next to mine was comforting. Tears dripped from my cheeks like dew off an early spring flower. My blue hospital gown was sticking to my chest, because my tears soaked it. I held him with a bottle in his mouth, which he took to like a magnet to metal. I loved to kiss his cheeks which were as soft as a rose petal and warm to my lips. I felt happy, proud, and sad all at once. I was happy, because Daniel was healthy and beautiful. I was proud of the decision Andrew and I chose, and I was sad, because I fell in love with Daniel once I held him. Although, I knew he was going to leave us in seventy-two hours. Although all the nurses in the room told us they were proud of us and said we were very responsible teenagers for making such a difficult decision, it still hurt holding my son and knowing we were about to give him up.
The nurse took Daniel from me and placed him in the warmer with baby blankets, oxygen masks, and other hospital tools. The nurse took the ink pad to Daniels small, thick feet and transferred his foot prints to the hospital files. While they were doing this I looked over at Andrew and saw how sad he was.
“It’s going to be OK.” He promised me holding my hand carefully, trying not to touch the IV in it.
We looked to our right, where the nurse took care of Daniel, and just soaked in the moment. Andrew told me how much he loved me and reassured me we were doing the right thing. Although I knew he was right, I did not want to accept it, because I wanted to keep Daniel. I wanted to be the one he calls mom, and I wanted to be the one he goes to for advice or help.
Once the nurse cleaned him up and weighed him, Andrew signaled for everyone in the waiting room to come in. The adoptive parents, Mark and Karla Block, entered the room, and they were both very excited to see the newest member of their family. The nurse gently picked up Daniel, who was tightly snuggled in his light blue, baby blanket, and gracefully handed him to Karla.
I was happy because we made them happy. Their eyes lit up like children who at Christmas received a gift they have been writing Santa Claus all year for. Their smiles extended from ear to ear.
Karla held him gently and gazed into his big blue eyes. She was about to become his mother. They would have a bond with each other that is irreplaceable. The bond they will share is the bond I wish I could have. As she held him, all I could think about is how I hope he understands what adoption is, and he does not think we did it, because we did not want him. I want him to understand we love him very much, and that is why we did this for him.
Mark was hovering over Karla with amazement to see Daniel try to hold his own head up. Although he was afraid to hold Daniel because he thought he might break him, he gave it a try.
“He is so cute; I can’t believe how adorable he is,” Mark said with extreme excitement. Andrew and I were proud to be the ones to make this nice couple extremely happy. We answered their prayers, and that is what we wanted to do when we chose an adoption plan.
I was starting to get jealous, because Daniel was then passed to Andrew’s mom, Jean Murray. I wanted to hold him next to me again and forget the commotion that was going on in the hospital room. Everyone was enjoying Daniel, as Andrew and I laid back and watched the excitement grow within everyone as they held Daniel.
All I could think about at that moment was “Andrew and I did this, we made everyone happy, we made Daniel, a human being, who only took nine months to create turned out flawless”.
It still amazes me how something that start out microscopic turns into a beautiful human being, 20.5 inches long and fully functional.
That moment was all I could think about as I was signing the adoption papers seventy-two hours later. Andrew and I walked down the long hallway, taking a few turns, and went into a fairly empty room in the hospital that was used for meetings. The room was dark and had a feeling of seriousness. We sat down with the Block’s attorney, Bill and Daniel’s attorney, Chip, who were wearing business suits. Bill was serious and self centered, while Chip was very friendly and tried to make Andrew and I as comfortable as possible. Chip read the papers to us as we put our initials after every paragraph acknowledging we understood. After all the official paper work was completed, we walked back to the room the Blocks were in. They had already placed Daniel in his brown and blue car seat and his going home outfit that was too big for him. I did not want to cry because I wanted to put on a brave face, but when Karla gave me a hug saying, “I known you do not want to hug me,” all I could do was cry. I held on to Andrew’s hand for support and comfort. I could tell he was hurting, but he did not want to show it. I kept looking at Andrew so he could reassure me we were doing the right thing, and I counted to ten, so I could focus on something else. This did not stop me from crying.
“Do you want to walk with us to the car?” They asked. I said, “No.” I just wanted to stop crying, although it was hard, because Andrew’s mother could not stop crying. We headed to the elevator as they left a different way. That was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It was hard physically and emotionally. Our son was leaving with another family where he will be loved. Choosing adoption was a difficult decision but the smartest. A choice made out of love.”